The African Girl with the Pearl Earring

When I was recently in Ireland, I experienced a lot of micro aggressions. My partner and I intended to spend Christmas and New Year sightseeing and enjoying the local tourist attractions - but instead, I was met with people asking me, "Why are you here?" "Who are you going to visit?" And the one that really stuck with me was. "We're just checking because a lot of immigrants jump the border..."

I don't care what reasoning people have, but being watched like that is absolute hell. I kept feeling like no matter what I did, I needed to act right because I was unfairly being considered as a monolithic example of blackness. It really hurt.

From waiters not serving me or throwing napkins in food that I asked for in a takeaway. To people staring at me in the streets, one thing was clear. "What is a person like you doing in our space?"

I used to think I enjoyed performing, people watching me because I'm good at something. But now, I don't want to be watched, I don't want to be seen unless I'm respected, I don't want to be patient, while people disrespect me.

I painted this portrait because throughout my entire trip. I felt like. Some shiny object that could only be seen, how other people intend to see me. As if my autonomy didn't matter...

Upon returning from our trip to Ireland, the effects remain. I find it harder to smile without questioning people's intentions. I find it harder to trust allies that only support me when I'm in good spirits and can't hold space for me when I feel particularly tense emotions.